Now All That's Left of Me Is What I Pretend To Be

ahh. this is probably going to be so unfortunately long, but i dont care, because no one reads this, literally probably no one.

I feel dead. Once a month (usually when im about to get my period, so thats not help) I feel like im having a mental breakdown. Everything just confuses me. I dont understand how my life, being how fucked up everything has been when I was a kid. I think of so many things that happened to me when I was little and dont see how I turned out okay, how am i still a generally good person? I remember walking into my aunts apartment when I was 8 years old and seeing her laying on her couch, blue, dead from a herion overdose and standing there watching my mom scream and i just stood there staring at her. Having no clue that my mom was the one who did herion with her. My mom would have Jason come over to the house, while they would have sex in my dads house, while me and my 7 year old sister were home and we had no idea what was going on. Watching my dad breakdown and drive by jasons apartment every night just to stare at my moms van in the parking lot. Having my mom leave, and her best friend become my new stepmom a week later, only to have her become a herion addict who stole every valuable thing from my entire family.  Having 2 of my little brothers who i loved so much, get taken from my mom because her and jason were so fucked up on drugs they couldnt even take care of them. I never had the chance to be a child, to play, to laugh, to have fun. I was always concerned with what everyone else was doing, what their next moves were going to be so I had to make sure I wouldnt get hurt. I am still that way.

I just dont understand how people can handle things so much differently. How can Brandon have a bad childhood, but turn out the way he did, hes an angry, selfish, disrespectful person, and he will never change. I had a horrible childhood, and i am generally selfish, but when someone i love and care for needs me, i would never turn my back. I dont understand.

I dont understand all of the lies, why people cant change. Why they seem to gravitate towards the negative, and even when the postivie is hanging right in front of you, you push it aside just to have the worsened way.

Since no one reads this, ever. Im going to vent big time. so heres the part of this entry where I single people out, and say how i really truly feel. here goes.

Everytime I think about brandon, I get a tugging feeling at all of my insides in my stomach. its like something is missing. and i dont know if whats missing is the megative ive had in my life for so long, or the memories i just cant seem to let go of, because i feel like no one else will ever please me the way he once did. He tells me he doesnt know what he wants, and neither do i. I do incredibly dumb things like have an anxiety attack after he repeatedly has sex with me and tells me things are good, then leaves me the very next day, i do dumb things like beg him not to leave, beg him not to do this to me. In my heart I cant say if this is really the end for us. I think both of us have just been so settled with eachother, and when things get hard its just easy for us to fall back into place and feel settled again. In my heart Id love to believe that one day in the future, years from now, once weve had different relationships, and different experiences that we would come back to eachother and realize that our love was not fake, not some teenage first love, that it was real. But of course, that will probably never happen because once brandon shuts something out of his life, its out, its gone, fuck you, forget it, goodbye. Thats just something clique every girl hopes for with their first love. I feel like its all a big head game with him. When i finally move on and dont care, its when he always creeps back into my life, and im so attatched that even know in my heart, and in my mind im so angry with him, and i know his love for me has faded, and i think of all the betrayal he put upon me, I always give in, because im attatched. I think of all the good times, and fall for the words that should never be said if theyre untrue and i go back. everytime. and everytime I need someone, just someone to tell me "Ally, everything is going to be fucking okay, you are going to be fine", and all of my heart wants that person to be him, it never is. never. I feel like i will never be good enough. I dont listen to his music, I dont dress like the girls he likes, i dont put my dignity aside to please him, i just dont fit into his idea of happiness. if he ever read that he would say im wrong. but its how i feel.  i feel like everything for the past year out of him was a lie, that i was head over heels in love with someone who wa just with me because it was convienant. it breaks my heart, really.

All i can hope for is with my next relationship that im not taken for granted, that im not a secret, that im a part of their life. That I get back all the love that I give and that i can feel special, and valued again. not like a piece of ass, and an atm.

Now, my friends. I love all of them, i really do. With all my heart. but i feel like as we get older, all that happens to me is i get older, more mature. I always have to be the one who says "you know what guys, you crossed the line, thats not right." Ill never be the kind of girl who can have casual sex, ill never be the kind of girl who fucks people over with one of my best friends boyfriends, ill just never be that girl.

I just feel like I give and give and give, and everyone takes and Im still here, with nothing. Nothing but unhappiness, confusion and wondering why i still give a rats ass. A part of me hopes that karma will come back one day and hit me and give me back all the good ive given out.

I just feel dead inside. I need someone to care.

i had the longest talk with my substitute teacher today about how i cant wait to get the fuck out of here, how i cant wait to leave everything behind. I plan on saving all of my next few paychecks from the shithole i work at where everyone there is rude and disrespectful, so i can leave here the day i turn 18 and never even glance back.

moving on from everything you once knew is not half as hard as it sounds, its worse.

I wish i had an answer for everything.
I wish waking up in the morning I didn't feel drained, I want to wake up and feel like today is going to be so good.
I am trying to work on myself.
I really truly am.
I'm trying to be myself, but i find it so hard for some odd reason.
I feel like people set rules and limits for me, people that should have no authority over me, people that are not my parents, and I willingly listen to them just to try and make them happy.
But, what about me?
When can I stop making others happy, and let them maybe do it for me?
And if not that, why can't I just make myself happy?
Sometimes I wish my heart wasn't so big, and that I didn't worry so much about everyone and how they must feel.
I wish people in my life could take a step back for a minute and try to make ME happy for once and give me a break.
I feel like the one person I feel comfortable expressing my full entire self to, doesn't know if he wants me, and that makes me self concious, which is something I never was or never have been.
I hate being unwanted by someone I care so much for.
I feel like that one person wants nothing I have to offer, I wish people could be reborn and that I had the choice to shape them into the good people I think they should be.
I'm a good, kind, smart person, but the majority of people I've tried to show it to, show no interest in wanting to see it.
I'm so unsure of everything.

me and my grammy went out for coffee yesterday
we talked like adults, about politics and the government and my life
ive got alot of issues
i even drove there
and i still dont understand why i am such a bad driver
ill never get my license

christmas is overrated

i totally forgot about livejournal, so sad.
i was filling out my schedule for next year, and it just made me realize, i really need to get my shit together
get my head on right and such.
i only have 2 years left.
that scares me to death
taxes and cars and bills and alone, they all scare me.

no one interests me at all lately
i want to meet someone that im just fascinated by, and no one impresses me in the least bit
where did all the even semi interesting people go?

im in florida dooood.
and im in love doooood.

i miss brandon sweesy.

rap. helllllz yaa.
i just realized im really secretive.
youd be surprised. hehe.