Now All That's Left of Me Is What I Pretend To Be

give me a break

2009-02-03T00:32:15Z

i have nobody.
no one that i wish cared about me, gives a rats ass about me.

when will someone come and sweep me off my feet and make everything okay for me?

ow

2009-01-03T19:46:19Z

i cant live in Lake Orion anymore. its honestly killing me.
this is going to sound horrible, but now i understand why so many people in this fucking town commit suicide.

im almost positive im having my mid life crisis now.
i try and picture my life years down the road, and i see 2 things, what i wish my life would be, and what i know my life will be and they are so different.

i wish i had the guts to pack up everything and drive so far away. toss my phone out the window, have no money, and start over.
i wish i had the guts to do what i believe is right and not let other people dictate my decisions.
i wish i had the guts to stop worrying about everything, about how everything i do will effect someone and something down the road.
i wish i had the guts to live in the moment and do what feels right.
i wish i had the guts to make something of myself.
i wish i had the guts, i really wish i had the guts.

in my head i think im better than what i currently have on my plate, but in reality, i know im just a lazy piece of shit.

there are so many things i wish i could talk about with people without them judging me.
i cant even talk, i judge everyone and its sad because im constantly doing it to myself, so i cant help but to do it to others.

i dont fully trust anyone.

i know what the problem is.
i know what all of my problems are.
i need the guts to fix them, but i probably never will.
i wish i had the fucking guts to say fuck playing it safe, fuck your rules for me, fuck what makes you happy, fuck you and do what I WANT for once.
my life is never about me. to other people it might look that way, but in my head its all about other people. what i have to do to make brandon happy, what to do to make my dad quit bitching, what i have to do so my friends dont feel like im neglecting them. its never ever about me, i feel like im never taken into consideration and maybe for a change someone could shut the fuck up and say ally, i dont want to do this at all, but i will, because you want me to.

im sitting here bawling because i dont understand.
i dont fucking understand how i got here. how everything i feel suddenly became so small and i dont even like myself anymore.
i try so hard. with everyone.
i try so fucking hard and im fucking exhausted.

im just pmsing and i always get so worked up and emotional and think no one cares, which they dont. but i usually dont care.

i cant wait to have kids.
i want them to feel so loved all the time and never let them forget just how perfect i think they are.

quick to judge, so easy to hate

2008-12-05T01:20:22Z

ahh. this is probably going to be so unfortunately long, but i dont care, because no one reads this, literally probably no one.

I feel dead. Once a month (usually when im about to get my period, so thats not help) I feel like im having a mental breakdown. Everything just confuses me. I dont understand how my life, being how fucked up everything has been when I was a kid. I think of so many things that happened to me when I was little and dont see how I turned out okay, how am i still a generally good person? I remember walking into my aunts apartment when I was 8 years old and seeing her laying on her couch, blue, dead from a herion overdose and standing there watching my mom scream and i just stood there staring at her. Having no clue that my mom was the one who did herion with her. My mom would have Jason come over to the house, while they would have sex in my dads house, while me and my 7 year old sister were home and we had no idea what was going on. Watching my dad breakdown and drive by jasons apartment every night just to stare at my moms van in the parking lot. Having my mom leave, and her best friend become my new stepmom a week later, only to have her become a herion addict who stole every valuable thing from my entire family. Having 2 of my little brothers who i loved so much, get taken from my mom because her and jason were so fucked up on drugs they couldnt even take care of them. I never had the chance to be a child, to play, to laugh, to have fun. I was always concerned with what everyone else was doing, what their next moves were going to be so I had to make sure I wouldnt get hurt. I am still that way.

I just dont understand how people can handle things so much differently. How can Brandon have a bad childhood, but turn out the way he did, hes an angry, selfish, disrespectful person, and he will never change. I had a horrible childhood, and i am generally selfish, but when someone i love and care for needs me, i would never turn my back. I dont understand.

I dont understand all of the lies, why people cant change. Why they seem to gravitate towards the negative, and even when the postivie is hanging right in front of you, you push it aside just to have the worsened way.

Since no one reads this, ever. Im going to vent big time. so heres the part of this entry where I single people out, and say how i really truly feel. here goes.

Everytime I think about brandon, I get a tugging feeling at all of my insides in my stomach. its like something is missing. and i dont know if whats missing is the megative ive had in my life for so long, or the memories i just cant seem to let go of, because i feel like no one else will ever please me the way he once did. He tells me he doesnt know what he wants, and neither do i. I do incredibly dumb things like have an anxiety attack after he repeatedly has sex with me and tells me things are good, then leaves me the very next day, i do dumb things like beg him not to leave, beg him not to do this to me. In my heart I cant say if this is really the end for us. I think both of us have just been so settled with eachother, and when things get hard its just easy for us to fall back into place and feel settled again. In my heart Id love to believe that one day in the future, years from now, once weve had different relationships, and different experiences that we would come back to eachother and realize that our love was not fake, not some teenage first love, that it was real. But of course, that will probably never happen because once brandon shuts something out of his life, its out, its gone, fuck you, forget it, goodbye. Thats just something clique every girl hopes for with their first love. I feel like its all a big head game with him. When i finally move on and dont care, its when he always creeps back into my life, and im so attatched that even know in my heart, and in my mind im so angry with him, and i know his love for me has faded, and i think of all the betrayal he put upon me, I always give in, because im attatched. I think of all the good times, and fall for the words that should never be said if theyre untrue and i go back. everytime. and everytime I need someone, just someone to tell me "Ally, everything is going to be fucking okay, you are going to be fine", and all of my heart wants that person to be him, it never is. never. I feel like i will never be good enough. I dont listen to his music, I dont dress like the girls he likes, i dont put my dignity aside to please him, i just dont fit into his idea of happiness. if he ever read that he would say im wrong. but its how i feel. i feel like everything for the past year out of him was a lie, that i was head over heels in love with someone who wa just with me because it was convienant. it breaks my heart, really.

All i can hope for is with my next relationship that im not taken for granted, that im not a secret, that im a part of their life. That I get back all the love that I give and that i can feel special, and valued again. not like a piece of ass, and an atm.

Now, my friends. I love all of them, i really do. With all my heart. but i feel like as we get older, all that happens to me is i get older, more mature. I always have to be the one who says "you know what guys, you crossed the line, thats not right." Ill never be the kind of girl who can have casual sex, ill never be the kind of girl who fucks people over with one of my best friends boyfriends, ill just never be that girl.

I just feel like I give and give and give, and everyone takes and Im still here, with nothing. Nothing but unhappiness, confusion and wondering why i still give a rats ass. A part of me hopes that karma will come back one day and hit me and give me back all the good ive given out.

I just feel dead inside. I need someone to care.

i had the longest talk with my substitute teacher today about how i cant wait to get the fuck out of here, how i cant wait to leave everything behind. I plan on saving all of my next few paychecks from the shithole i work at where everyone there is rude and disrespectful, so i can leave here the day i turn 18 and never even glance back.

moving on from everything you once knew is not half as hard as it sounds, its worse.

this entire year was filled with crying, and pain and hurt and betrayal.
this next year all i am going to do, is try and worry about myself. not think so much, not expect people to be as loyal amd loving and caring as i am. Not expect anything from anyone, maybe ill be surprised, maybe i wont. But at this rate, i dont see how things could get any worse for me.

Things that never fail to put a smile on my face

2008-11-20T01:18:13Z

I have been thinking a lot lately, about all the things that have made me happy, all the things that have made me sad.
I just wanted to write down some of the things that keep crossing my mind lately, and how happy they make me, so i dont forget.

1.) There was this one time, when Brandon's great grandma was in a nursing home or something and she had no idea who I was, because I had never met her before, and she didn't remember my name, she just kept telling me how pretty I was and how good it was to meet me.

2.) This past 4th of July.

3.) The day I got my license, I drove Meagan, Molly and Alex to Brandon's show and it was just so much fun.

4.) There was this one hot summer day, this past summer where I stayed at Brandon's and the power was out, it was the day before his sister's graduation party. We just laid in bed, with candles and fell asleep, and it was so quiet and we didnt watch tv all night, for once.

5.) The day I got my hair dyed blonde, it was like 10:00 at night and it was a Saturday. I went to Michelle's house and I walked in the front door and her whole family was sitting at the kitchen table staring at me.

6.) GEORGIA

7.) The day and the day after Brandon and I started dating. The first time he kissed me, he missed. and the first time he told me he loved me. I remeber every detail of that night. and how I didnt say it back for another 2 weeks, and when I finally did it was over an aim conversation and he was so excited.

8.) Brandon Meek wearing a leather jacket.

9.) Every weekend for a month straight Michelle and I would wake up, and for some reason we were always wearing spandex, and we would go fishing and never catch anything.

10.) I was really upset like 2 months ago and I let Rachel drive my car with me Mackenzie and Michelle and we all went to Rochester to get Panera Bread, and on the way home I had this really random CD playing that my mom made for me, and I had never listened to it. It was really quiet in the car and all of a sudden you hear "Youz a real fine woman when you back that ass up." and immediatley after "Hey ma, whats up, alright, we gonna get it on tonight." We all just cracked up.

11.) Summer before freshmen year i had a "party" and i was really mad at Evan because he wasnt hanging out with me at all, so i told him i didnt want to be his best friend anymore. he cried and called me a thousand times telling me how sorry he was. and that night came to my screened in window and talked to me through the window the whole night.

12.) last winter.

13.) this one day brandon and i decided to see where indianwood really went to, so we drove allllllll the way down it and ended up in brandon township and found a beaten down church and took a million pictures.

14.) staying at michelles every weekend and being hungover walking to baldwin cafe every morning.

15.) the first sleepover brandon and i had at my house. we got drunk, thinking about that now makes me feel really akward.

16.) M.I.A. concert. soo much funnn

these are just the random ass things i keep thinking about lately. idk why, i just do. a lot of them have to do with brandon, kinda sucks that all these memories keep coming back now, when things are way too late. ahh. ill always love ya b, you just never cared enough to try.

i love life currently.
i got a massage today. soooo good.
i love.

never.

2008-10-10T20:21:07Z

i dont know what to say.
i dont know what to do.
i dont know how to feel.
i dont know anything.

How does someone let go of the biggest part of their life for the past 2 years, when you dont even want to? The person that saw your new parents get married with you, the person that when you were sad, they cared and they made everything okay. The person who watched me sleep and would just play with my hair. I cant even walk into my bedroom without just feeling that tugging feeling inside of my body where I know that the one person I would do anything for, doesnt want me at all, and no matter how bad things were at times, no matter what i said when I was mad, I would do anything at this point in time to take it all back, and just not feel this way. I know how fucked up some things were, but somehow something inside of me just wants you, and that warm feeling of when youd kiss my forehead and hug me so tight and hold me at night and everything was okay. I cry so much just because I hurt, I cant take anything back. I just cant move on, I try everything, Ive tried everything to have you back, Ive tried everything to show you I still care, and you want nothing. Nothing that has to do with me ever again. This is the first time my heart has ever broken and you never think its going to be so bad when you hear about it, but every single part of my body hurts. You will never read this, and never care and I will probably be a baby forever and never be able to move on, when youll have a new life and a new everything that doesnt concern me.

I dont know what to say.
I dont know what to do.
I dont know what to feel.
I dont know anything,
except that I love you so much.

confuse

2008-05-13T03:43:04Z

I wish i had an answer for everything.
I wish waking up in the morning I didn't feel drained, I want to wake up and feel like today is going to be so good.
I am trying to work on myself.
I really truly am.
I'm trying to be myself, but i find it so hard for some odd reason.
I feel like people set rules and limits for me, people that should have no authority over me, people that are not my parents, and I willingly listen to them just to try and make them happy.
But, what about me?
When can I stop making others happy, and let them maybe do it for me?
And if not that, why can't I just make myself happy?
Sometimes I wish my heart wasn't so big, and that I didn't worry so much about everyone and how they must feel.
I wish people in my life could take a step back for a minute and try to make ME happy for once and give me a break.
I feel like the one person I feel comfortable expressing my full entire self to, doesn't know if he wants me, and that makes me self concious, which is something I never was or never have been.
I hate being unwanted by someone I care so much for.
I feel like that one person wants nothing I have to offer, I wish people could be reborn and that I had the choice to shape them into the good people I think they should be.
I'm a good, kind, smart person, but the majority of people I've tried to show it to, show no interest in wanting to see it.
I'm so unsure of everything.

even closer

2008-03-14T00:09:17Z

The only thing I have left to depend on is my train of thought.
literally, i think about everything and view everything that shouldnt be viewed that way out of a 16 year old girls eyes or point of view at all.

I love venting everything on here, basically because about 4 people read this, and writing it down would make my hands too tired. I'm scared lately, im scared mainly because i feel like loosing brandon will be my last straw with people, because everyone i have ever cared about, and trusted has shit all over me and left me when i needed them. Brandon doesnt understand that ive never let get as close to me as i let him get, and ive never trusted anyone as much as i trusted him, and once again like everyone else he left me. and now i feel like anyone else who comes along will be hurt because i just cant deal with being hurt like that anymore, and i will always be so scared and so worried about being hurt from this point on.

I guess in a way im scared because for a year it has been "me and brandon", and now its just me, and i dont know how to comprehend that, or even face that. I could say that i hate him and that i hate my life, but i dont. I hate how he treats me and I hate that he hurt me, and I hate being hurt. a piece of my heart will always have his name written all over it, but i need to make that piece grow very small for now, because i need to let go.

3 days

2008-02-21T23:49:07Z

im empty.
im 16 years old and could have anything i want
anything, and i waste everything.i single handedly flush every good thing ive had or could have, down the toilet.
i pisture my life as nothing that i want it because i dont care, i just dont care about anything.
its disgusting because i look for that quality in people and yet i hate myself for being that way.

i have no friends, nothing. im just going to vent on here and i dont want any response from people pretending they care. i lost my best friend and it was his choice, and all i do is sit around thinking of all of the things i ccouldve done differently, and i know that im a little physco. i dont know anyone that could ever put up with me. i hate how i am, and ive never been like this, ive always been cocky and confident and every day i realize that i have NOTHING going for me. and that fucking kills me because i could have anything, my dad struggles and fights with me because all he wants is for me to do something with my life because he couldnt and all i do is shit all over him, once again not caring about everything hes done for me.

loosing brandon makes me want to fucking die and im not one of those girls who gets all sappy and gay and its the end of the world when her and her boyfriend break up but i honestly cant do this. i dont even know how to be alone after a year of living with the person i was in love with who was also my best friend. i dont want to replace him even though all i ever did was complain about him, god i honestly fucking hate myself. i have nothing going for me.

can someone help me just fall asleep until im 18 and none of this will even matter?

hault

2007-12-23T17:47:23Z

me and my grammy went out for coffee yesterday
we talked like adults, about politics and the government and my life
ive got alot of issues
i even drove there
and i still dont understand why i am such a bad driver
ill never get my license

christmas is overrated

5 months went away

2007-12-04T21:35:07Z

i totally forgot about livejournal, so sad.
i was filling out my schedule for next year, and it just made me realize, i really need to get my shit together
get my head on right and such.
i only have 2 years left.
that scares me to death
taxes and cars and bills and alone, they all scare me.

no one interests me at all lately
i want to meet someone that im just fascinated by, and no one impresses me in the least bit
where did all the even semi interesting people go?

you have to hate everyone you love

pale and alone

quantum physics

i hate you all, other then the middle one.
evan dont ever leave me

my new obsession

scratch morgan dimartino, and youve got lots of love

the thought

my favorite picture
my wife

summer with the love of my life

wear his clothes

bro and sis dood!

cotton candy twirl and short hair

brandons senior picture

swamp

all that really matters

fa reak

all i can be

silver platter blood splatter?

2007-08-06T17:46:08Z

livejournal?

im holding back so much.
thats so unlike me.

i look like a streetwalker these days

that is my life

seriously

2007-04-07T01:49:20Z

im in florida dooood.
and im in love doooood.

i miss brandon sweesy.

id rather fuck you

2007-03-02T01:25:14Z

rap. helllllz yaa.
i just realized im really secretive.
youd be surprised. hehe.

i like people who just dont give a shit

and people who love me unconditionally.

and boyyyz like bbrraanndoonn.

ick

2007-02-13T21:25:05Z

fuck valentines day
all i want is to be fondled anyway

blueyedbabi8482 @ 2007-01-29T13:00:00

2007-01-29T18:04:20Z

my heads not on straight these days.
i make bad decisions.
im fucking up my life.
i used to be good.

Happy 34th Timothy

2007-01-21T21:41:17Z

My dad is 34 today.
i did dead shit this weekend
not cool.
i got a new camera for turning 15
that thing is seriously glued to my hand.

i loved this one.
way to be 15 ally, you old ass.

thats sick thats sick thats sick thats sick
wow, i got really dressed up for my birthday.

ha i love how every picture is of me and michelle.
way to be my life you little fuckin idiot.

ive lived now that ive been to the autoshow

pervert

way to be perfect lauren

im seriously an idiot

im chubby

im gonna take your senior picture and roll a joint with it

gatorboots with the pimped out gucci suits

2007-01-14T21:38:15Z

im 15 in 3 days.
haha i bet you no one will remember and i will just laugh so hard
i laugh at everything and everyone these days
with that annoying laugh that makes everyone stop laughing even if what someone said was hilarious.
ha
i feel like i bug everyone
i have no friends anymore.
no one ever asks me to hang out or anything.
gaah thats depressing.

i miss summer.

hahahaha my parents

derrrrrrren. new years.

hahaha macky mae i miss you

:(((((:(:(

this is my best friends beautiful body get to know it

im not allowed to like boys

hahahahahahahaha i love you

im haggard

slore

2007-01-09T03:36:16Z

omgz.
rofl.
life is better than ever.

damnyounewyears

2006-12-31T19:44:43Z

its new years.
........................
my socks are soaked in rainwater
and michelles grounded for the night.
great way to kick off the new year.
BUTTHEAD

Polluck

2006-12-16T18:17:01Z

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACHEL ANN MOTYKA!
i love i love i love i love i love i love youuuuu
im so excited you are 15 and i am so glaad
you are my best friend i love you soo much

sidekick page me

2006-12-06T20:56:24Z

everything you touch turns to shit.

i really dont care about anything anymore.
michelles my only true friend that i can actually trust with things.
im grounded forever over the stupidest thing.
i cant trust annnyone. and thats really disappointing.
i love yahoo horoscopes, they are never wrong for me. like i will check mine for the day after everything has already happened and everything that it said would happen, did. its so cool.
i have been doing some of the dumbest things lateley because im grounded and all...
like the other day i made a list of all of my goals in life and one of them was to see jerry springer live.
thaaat would be cool.

ha cool braces ally.
im so glad i dont look like that anymore. ugggh sick.
i cant wait to be there again.

garganchous

2006-11-30T22:59:33Z

i got my haircut yesterday i really like it.
i got to spend time with my favorites the demings. ive missed them. i love them all.
im so excited for laurens tomorrow. and bascially this whole weekend other than that michelles leaving me for florida. i need her, for real its going to be so weird without her. missing someone is the worst feeling uugh. ive been so cheerful lateley.
:]

Mackkkkkk.

Perkys : ]

my favorite

motyka.

idk i just thought this was cool.

hello archey simpson

god ally, you are sooo tan..

haha sisstaa

hahahahahahaha i haate that cat and its saggy belly.

niggaz with skillz

ive always liked the picture.
i loved that day.
we went to evans birthday party and michelle wasnt even invited and we didnt talk to anyone it was just me rach, kenz cali, lauren and michelle and we had the best damn time ever. uuh i miss summer.

ive always loved this.

exactly one year ago. ewww.

lol. i remember this day perfectly. so random.

fatasses

2006-11-20T05:31:50Z

yeah ive had a horrible week.
today being the worst.
but whatever im too smart for that shit.
i had the funnnniest time with lauren michelle rachel and kenzie.
i love youuuu girls. :)

ha. everyone loves her.

wtf happened to my black best friend rachel motyka?

haha dyke.

haha my best friend.

whadup.

fuck her for being seriously perfect.

naked rumble.

ugh she has the best cheeks in the worrrld.

macky chaaaan.

i live in filth

slipppppers <3

my new favorite thing everrrrr

cool mess.

this was allll gone in like an hour flat

i just dont have ugly friends.

love her

cool disease

L for Love

hahahahahaha. my favorite picture.

hahah ferbear

shes on her way to becoming a dime

haha the girl pisses everywhere.

love

lynda marie wright

hahahahahahahaha

Lettt me know

2006-11-10T00:10:03Z

idk what to do anymore.
im super confused. i hate people. i dont get along with anyone
i hang out with michelle alot these days . shes the only one i can stand.
whateverrr.

.
we are some weird girls.

my face is like rubber and can seriously do anything with it.

hahaha.

tackle drunk bitches

naked boys! me oh my

oh god. some of the things i do.

i miss her

hate to say i told you sooo

2006-08-25T16:48:47Z

My summmmer.
They keep getting better and better each year.

i live with them

haha cammmmping :)

Evan youngs birthday party? haha

Bessst friends.

fuckersss.

birthday booooy

family portrait..:)

sistas

all we do is eat potatoes and watch sex and the city

love

my indian

gyrate..? uugh

we will never not be friends haha

connies got the moves.

i just thought this looked good

donnnn

bessst friends

good times

aww.

we bonded

lagunnna party

the demings :)

god.

aw haha

bre, i love this swimmer.